Valentine’s Day

 VALENTINE’S Day is nearly on us and shoppers are being beguiled by love messages from a host of shops.

Such displays are an emotional minefield for men because woe betide them if their wife or girlfriend doesn’t get one card she can sigh over.

No card and that sigh is exchanged for the sort of frosty breakfast table atmosphere last experienced by Captain Oates as he bravely told his doomed polar companions: “I am just going outside and may be some time.”

This portrayal of a brave man deliberately sacrificing his own life to give Captain Scott and the rest of his friends a better chance of surviving is, of course, ludicrously wide of the truth.

The reality is that Oates suddenly realised he hadn’t sent his loved one a Valentine card and that his life wouldn’t be worth living when he got home, so why not end it now.

For an occasion allegedly garnished with tender feelings there are some notoriously dangerous female remarks for us men to watch out for and here are a couple of them.

“Don’t get me a card. They’re way too expensive.” Never fall for this or you will be accused of being a despicable skinflint who values her less than a cheap piece of paper.

“Let’s not bother with cards this year.” A favourite ploy here. If you take her at her word and don’t get her a card then a year at the dentist will seem like child’s play compared to the year you will be facing.

Yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…even if she told you to scorn her.

Naturally everything changes if she gets more than one Valentine card because then the man is not allowed to ask where these other love tokens have come from because he will fobbed off with a remark that it is “just a bit of fun”.

So, gentlemen, be on your guard and follow my advice. If she says she doesn’t expect a card then respect that wish….but keep a signed Valentine “To my bunny wunny” handy just in case.

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