What follows below is fictitious, but it was born out of a group of holidaymakers I overheard in a supermarket and I swear it is very close to what they said.
Nah, nah, nah! We got two dozen Fosters. If we buy three cases of Stongbow it’s cheaper than two cases of that other stuff. What d’ya mean, what about Kimberley? She likes Fosters don’t she and we got half a dozen boxes of that wine stuff so she and Charlene are well in. It’s us you’ve got to worry about.
What’s that love? No, no idea where the nappies are. Ask one of the check-outs.
Yeah, we need a bit more variety. What’s that John Smiffs stuff like? Well let’s get a couple of cases of that. Darren says he likes it. He’ll drink anything.
What’s that love? No, no idea where the burgers are. Ask one of the check-outs.
Speaking of burgers, you reckon four of these barbecue in a tin things is enough? Better get another couple. Don’t want to run out. Always hungry on holiday and it’s a bit of fun as well innit.
What’s that love? No, no idea where the sliced white is. Ask one of the check-outs.
Good thinking, good thinking! Forgot about the shorts. What d’you fancy, bit of vodka? Charlene likes vodka. Then there’s Jack the Black for me. What d’you mean, what’s that? It’s Jack Daniels innit. Don’t you know nuffink.
What’s that love? No, no idea where the strawberries are. Ask one of the check-outs.
OK, OK! A bottle of Teachers for you. What about mixers? Got to have a few bubbles. Better get a couple of boxes of tonic and a couple of Dry Ginger. Lovely jubbly. Now were getting there. Anything else?
What’s that love? No, no idea where the cornflakes are. Ask one of the check-outs.
Blimey! I need me ed testing! Nearly forgot the fags din we! We’ll need a coupla hunnerd each for sure. Kimberley smokes them Slims don’t she? Best get some of them, some of your French crap. What they called? Oh yes, Gallwise, my Marlboro and Charlene’s Bensons and we’re there.
We all done? What’s that love? Ruby-May wants a tub of ice-cream does she? She think money grows on trees? Get ‘er a lolly. If she’s good she can ‘ave ice-cream in McDonalds termorra!
This shoppin’ lark’s easy innit! Where’s the check-out? Cummon! Cummon! We’re wasting valuable drinking time!