MOST people have been on holiday to a beach, but are you sexy on the sands, fat on the foreshore or just cuddly by the kiosk?
All too soon people will be bringing out the bikinis and mankinis and checking them for winter moth holes ready for summer showing off.
But this isn’t an option for everyone, some of whom will require a tent rather than a T-shirt to cover their torsos.
Those caught betwixt and between – myself included – face an even worse dilemma since it’s nice to relax on a beach and enjoy the sun but not if you are uncertain whether or not your six-pack relates to your stomach muscles or what you drank last night.
So I’m providing a brief guide here to let all you beach bashers know where you stand and what category you should lie down in.
First come the belles of the bikini. These women can strip off with confidence, knowing that they aren’t going to wonder if last year’s outfit the size of a couple of postage stamps will still fit them.
As long as breasts and groin are adequately covered then they can strut their stuff with confidence on any beach, knowing that men’s heads will be turned. They don’t even have to look and see if they have been noticed. All they have to do is listen for the clattering sound of slaps being delivered by other women who feel their worse half has wandering eyes.
The other side of the coin in this category is the mankini, not as rare as it was, but still fringe fun for the man who wants to make a statement, even if it probably is: “Don’t touch this one with a barge pole!”
For the more mainstream male confident of his physical appearance then he will no doubt appear in some form of shorts, allowing his muscular upper body to make its own waves. Sadly such shows often reveal the need for an optician because choice of shorts can often look like an explosion in a paint factory…and a particularly bad ass paint factory at that.
At the other end of the scale are those men and women who know they have toes but haven’t seen them for some years due to the large overhang between their eyes and their feet.
Such people know they have beach problems when entire families use them as a windbreak.
So how can the “larger sizes” among us have the confidence to enjoy some beach time?
The answer is simple. Just brazen it out. If you are too big to fit in a deckchair then pat sand into the shape of a deckchair and sit in that. If you are worried about exposing rolls of flesh then don’t. Simply cover them up with beach towels or get friends and family to sit in front of you. There is no reason why obese people shouldn’t enjoy a beach with the rest of us. Just make sure someone doesn’t try and moor a boat up to you when the tide comes in.
Finally there are, if you’ll forgive the pun, the bulk of us mere mortals, those who aren’t model material but also don’t cause an eclipse as we move about.
What can the ordinary person do to make sure that beach visit is as enjoyable as possible?
One answer may lie in shifting focus. If you have a particularly luscious ice-cream, aromatic bag of chips or swirling display of candyfloss then the fat third of the beach will only have eyes for the food while the fit third of the beach won’t deign to even look at you.
Sounds like a result to me and it does allow us middle rankers to get on with the serious business of relaxing. You just can’t put too much effort in to that!